EP1: Hey, Nice to Meet You!
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE PDF TRANSCRIPT OF THIS EPISODE
In Episode One: Hey, Nice to Meet You! hosts Amy Moore, Anna Newell Jones and Erin Linehan introduce themselves and talk about the background of how and why this podcast, Less Alone: A Podcast About Connection, came to be. They touch on the history of their friendship and how they’ve maintained it despite all having active and busy lives. This episode also touches on friendships during childhood and as adults especially in our increasingly digital world. Plus, they give nods to Dandapani, Barre3, Sadie Lincoln, and Johann Hari.
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Intro and Outro Music Credit: Night Owl by Broke for Free from the Album Directionless EP (Creative Commons License)
Key Points From This Episode:
- Some background about why we started the podcast
- Disconnection, touch and failure to thrive
- Each of our experiences with friends and connection in our early years
- Idolizing extroverts, eating alone and reinventing yourself
- The influence of early relationships on adult friendships
- Who we’re hoping to reach and connect with through this podcast
- Finding your core values and the important one we share!
- Societal ideals and expectation vs. our own personal connection needs
- Connection’s utter reliance on authenticity and how this relates to social media
- A few take aways from our first episode!
- And much more!
Links to Things We Mention in the Episode:
- Romanian orphanages
- Failure to thrive
- Anna’s Facebook “friendship question” post
- How To Be Popular You’re Never Too Young or Too Old by Dear Abby
- The Macintosh computer
- Barre3 and Sadie Lincoln
- If Connection is Our Core Human Need Then Why Are We So Bad At It?
- And the book, Lost Connections by Johann Hari (referenced in the Medium article: Connection is a Core Human Need, But We’re Terrible at It)
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CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE PDF TRANSCRIPT OF THIS EPISODE
Amy Moore:We are three friends exploring connection. From the coffee shop to the podcast studio. I’m Amy.
Anna Newell Jones:I’m Anna.
Erin Linehan:I’m Erin.
Erin Linehan:What’s the first topic here?
Anna Newell Jones:The first topic is connection to others. Friendship. So, do we want to talk about who we are, why we want to do this?
Amy Moore:And what are we doing here. Let’s start there.
Anna Newell Jones:What are we even doing here?
Erin Linehan:That’s a good question.
Anna Newell Jones:That’s a super good question.
Amy Moore: Who wants to start it?
Amy Moore:Okay. So, just a little background on the three of us. We started a little book club awhile back and the only time that worked in our schedules was 6AM on Wednesday mornings. So we just made it work. 6AM, Wednesday morning, that started –
Erin Linehan:Three years ago?
Amy Moore:Three years, right?
Amy Moore:Two or three years ago. We have our book club turned to just talking about our weekly goings on –
Amy Moore:Right? It was just a dependable time where we knew that we had to be there. No matter what, we make that happen. We’re all pretty committed to it and we decided that no matter what’s happening, so even if a husband is traveling or whatnot, we’ll find, if the coffee shop doesn’t work and we have to go to someone’s house, we do that.
But no matter what, 6AM, we do that and so we were thinking, this is a really cool way that we get to connect with each other and we appreciate the commitment that each of us has to it and we thought, “Well, maybe we should turn it into a podcast.”
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah. I think, part of that too is that, every single time like, I just noticed I would tell different people in my life, “Oh yeah, I get together with friends on Wednesdays at 6AM, we do it every week, and the reaction, the first reaction is like, “Oh my gosh, that’s SO early.”
But then, “Wow, that’s really cool,” and I just was thinking, we started talking and, we were just like, “Oh my gosh, wouldn’t it be cool if we could give this experience to other people, you know?” Because like, we just have these – what makes it when we have the coffees, what makes it feel like good –
Erin Linehan:I get real fired up after.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, we were talking about this and it was just like, “Man –”
Amy Moore:We feel empowered by each other, we feel yeah, grounded.
Anna Newell Jones:We laugh and just have a ton of ideas and it’s great. We want to keep that a safe space but it’s like so much of the other stuff that we talk about, relationships and like business stuff, we can talk about that on the podcast and you know, help other people feel us alone, like we’ve been able to feel. Getting all sappy here.
Erin, what do you got?
Erin Linehan:I don’t know, Anna. Go to the next question. You’ve got to go to the next question.
Anna Newell Jones:Go to the next question?
Erin Linehan:Yeah. I can’t do it on the spot.
Anna Newell Jones:Okay, sorry. I just wanted to make space for you to share, that’s all. So, about connection. Why in the world is it important and why is that important at all, why do we need each other?
Amy Moore:Yeah, and Erin, with your line of work (as a Denver therapist at The Kali Institute specializing in EMDR and Healing Touch), there was – you said some really interesting stuff about how –
Anna Newell Jones:Erin always says super interesting stuff.
Erin Linehan:Because we’re neuro-biologically wired, for connection? We need it and in our world today, I’m not so sure I know that there’s not enough places because a lot of people do not go to church anymore. So we need places where we can organically connect but we’re missing those.
So, about our coffee in the morning, I feel really lucky and really blessed that we have that because it’s a consistent thing that we know is going to be there, every week and it’s at the same place generally. I think, to have those built-in community gathering spots is super important. So, this is why connection is important.
Amy Moore:We found just even that community spot to be as simple as a coffee shop.
Anna Newell Jones:Right. Well, and I think the consistency of it, just knowing we can count on it. It takes out a lot of the difficulty of just logistically planning it. It’s like, “Okay, we’re just going to make time for this, we’re going to commit to it, we’re going to make it into a priority.”
Erin Linehan:And it’s the same time every week.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, it makes it so easy rather than like, “Oh, can you do Tuesday at seven this week?” Or whatever, it’s just like.
Erin Linehan:Generally sit at the same spots until someone gets there.
Anna Newell Jones:Yes.
Amy Moore:We’ve had a couple of times –
Erin Linehan:We get a little bit pissy when someone’s in the spot.
Amy Moore:So, we’re going to talk about connection on this podcast.
Erin Linehan:We’re not sure where it’s going to go.
Amy Moore:Maybe we’ll get some guests at some point.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, that would be fun.
Amy Moore:But for now, we seem to have a lot of ideas of conversation topics.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, connections, like friendships, connections to your home, kids, partner, to yourself, to work, a greater purpose in your life and the connection to like a higher power. So, there’s a lot of things we can talk about, a lot of things we can explore, looking forward to this.
Amy Moore:In general, we’ll have this open ended question that starts us off, right? We’ll talk about it, wrap it up at the end and have kind of a to do for the week. Not a to-do. No one wants a to-do.
Erin Linehan:Even I don’t.
Anna Newell Jones: That was like an instant regret. You’re like, “Actually no, let’s not do that.”
Erin Linehan:Please no.
Amy Moore:No more to do’s.
Erin Linehan: No, no more to-do’s.
Anna Newell Jones:Just something we challenge? No, just kidding.
Erin Linehan:Well, I think it’s something that you have to practice, right? Connecting with other people and so the thing that we’re going to practice because we all want to create that, to offer that to anyone that is listening.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, totally.
Erin Linehan:So that could be a to do but really, it’s like, we need to expand our bubble.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah.
Anna Newell Jones:Just the focus on for the week. I feel like whenever I pay more attention to – when I set an intention, almost for the week, it’s like, “Okay.” I’ve been working on trying to use my phone way less, like screen time just to have that connection and with my husband or my son or wherever I am, just to be more present and so, that’s been just like, “Okay, let’s bring some awareness to this so that maybe I can stop doing it as much.”
Erin Linehan:And, when you can have those challenges for connection, then we can realize, because the world is so split and divided and so if we can have those different things that we can strive for or to intentionally do, to show up in the world then we realize that we’re much more similar than we are different, I think.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, for sure. Looking for the similarities rather than the differences.
Amy Moore:Okay. Absolutely!
Anna Newell Jones:Ah… lame. #lame.
Amy Moore:Oh, Anna.
Anna Newell Jones:So then, oh I have on my notes, “babies dying in orphanages”. Did we talk about this?
Amy Moore:My God.
Anna Newell Jones:I know, that’s horrible!
Amy Moore:That is terrible. Where did that come from?
Erin Linehan: That’s why connection’s important, because we were talking about Romanian orphanages and that, when babies are not held and touched then there is failure to thrive. So just in connecting in those ways.
Anna Newell Jones:Amy’s like, “What?”
Erin Linehan:You take good notes. What the hell does that have to do with connection?
Amy Moore: That a took a turn for the worse, right?
Erin Linehan: Because we need connection as babies in order survive. If we don’t –
Anna Newell Jones:Oh my word. That was horrible and did I just snort? I never do that.
Erin Linehan:Only when a big, giant microphone’s right in front of your face.
Anna Newell Jones:Oh my word.
Amy Moore:Okay, failure to thrive. That’s like the physiology?
Erin Linehan: That we need that.
Amy Moore:Yeah, the proof.
Erin Linehan: Yes, that we all need that connection.
Anna Newell Jones:Do you know anything else about that?
Erin Linehan:Not enough to sound educated.
Amy Moore:Well, it’s a good tidbit.
Anna Newell Jones:It is a good tidbit.
Erin Linehan:More clear on your notes Anna?
Anna Newell Jones:All right. I’ll mark that one off, all right.
Amy Moore:Check, moving on from orphanage.
Anna Newell Jones:I’m just curious, what’s your history, each of you, of like making friends and growing up? We were talking about this last week as we were prepping for this episode just kind of growing up, what was it like having friends or not having friends and what was it like? I don’t have to keep going on and on. You’re picking up what I’m putting down there?
Amy Moore:I think I got you. Yeah. Friends were a huge part of my family, we had this family friends that were really important, we had – really like, I grew up with the same people that I’m still somewhat in touch with. Now we kind of live all over the place. But yeah, just really important part of my family growing up. In my own family now, it’s completely different than how it was for my child or like growing up, you know? We tend to stick pretty close.
It’s just interesting how I grew up in one certain way, friends were super important, always around, almost like that was part of your value as a human. How many friends you had and right now with my husband and my kids, it’s totally opposite.
Erin Linehan:Well, I just think there’s less time as an adult.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, for sure.
Amy Moore:Yes. So different.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, so I asked on my Facebook profile, I asked a question like, “How do you feel about friends and yeah, connection and stuff, what’s that all about?” I’m trying to keep it kind of open. That was the number one thing people said is like, “Oh busyness, you know, just too busy.”
Erin Linehan:Well, and how you value your time because time is, there’s just not a lot of it.
Amy Moore:Yes, and I really do like hanging out with my family. But I do have to say too, as an adult, you know, I feel like as a kid, it was like the more the merrier and as an adult, it’s just like the fewer but the deeper, the better.
Amy Moore:You, you had just said something that made me think about something I was going to –
Anna Newell Jones:Busyness?
Amy Moore:Busyness. We had talked about this at one of our coffees was what it looks like. Like the expectation of what it means to hang out with your friends. Does it have to be on the weekend, does it have to be in the evening and I think that’s one of the cool things about our coffee shop meeting is that it didn’t fit into any kind of box like that. It was 6AM on Wednesday morning.
Anna Newell Jones:It’s kind of random.
Amy Moore:Kind of random.
Anna Newell Jones:It’s like, “Okay, we like coffee.”
Anna Newell Jones:“Let’s do that.”
Amy Moore:And it works. It works.
Anna Newell Jones:What about you, Erin? Growing up, what was your friendship, stuff like that?
Amy Moore:Do you feel like you’re being interviewed right now by Anna?
Erin Linehan:That’s great. You’re doing a great job. I’m happy she took the lead. Great, Anna.
Anna Newell Jones:I have the list in front of me.
Erin Linehan:That’s right, that’s good.
Amy Moore:Keep going.
Erin Linehan:We found your role.
Amy Moore:That’s right, Erin and I will just show up
Anna Newell Jones:That works.
Erin Linehan:Oh, Anna, you took notes? Thanks! That’s great.
Anna Newell Jones:I went through all of our past notes, categorized them, did sub-categories.
Amy Moore:Oh, that is good stuff.
Erin Linehan:My experience growing up is I was the youngest of – well, I am the youngest of five and my oldest sister is six years –
Anna Newell Jones:And I think for context —
Anna Newell Jones:It’s all sisters.
Erin Linehan:All sisters, yes.
Anna Newell Jones:I think that’s a good note.
Erin Linehan:Yeah, five girls and my closest sister in age to me is six years older than me and so when I was little, there was no playmates around. I don’t know when I – maybe I was three and I – my first friend was Nuper, my imaginary friend. Nuper came everywhere.
Amy Moore:That is awesome.
Erin Linehan:Yeah, Nuper was my imaginary friend.
Anna Newell Jones:How old were you?
Erin Linehan:We went on jets. I think I was probably three.
Anna Newell Jones:Awe, Nuper.
Amy Moore:That is so cute.
Erin Linehan: You had a thought?
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, was Nuper a girl or a boy or?
Erin Linehan:Nuper was just a badass, that’s all. We set a table place of dinner for Nuper all the time. Then they’re like, “Oh yeah, Nuper left on his jet. On his helicopter.” He was with me all the time. Then my first real friend — we had a preschool, and then I went to the school down the street, and Matt was my buddy and he – I think I was in first grade and he as in kindergarten and we were walking home from school, which wouldn’t happen now because it was like several blocks away from our houses.
We’re walking home and he’s like, “Hey, hi.” I’m like, “Hi.” He’s like, “You should come and see my turtle.” So I came over to come see his turtle and now his mother, speaking of connection, his mother sends me every Christmas, sends me like some sort of turtle something and so I think those things – because I also think that the people that know you when you were really little regardless if you’re still in touch with them, there is something special about that because they know what you were like when you were little and what you’re like now. Then how to watch how you’ve grown up and how they’ve grown up, it’s just like a different kind of –
Anna Newell Jones:Well, it’s like you have a witness to your life.
Erin Linehan:Yeah. There you go, Anna. That’s good. That’s why you’re the host, that’s right. Oldest child, well done.
Anna Newell Jones:Got my notes here.
Erin Linehan:That’s right, what is your experience?
Anna Newell Jones:Oh thanks. Thanks for asking. Let’s see, I grew up super shy. I would literally not talk to a single soul outside of my family for three days.
Amy Moore:Do you think that had anything to do –
Erin Linehan:For three days?
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah.
Erin Linehan:Like what three days?
Anna Newell Jones:Why three days? Yeah, I mean, I just remembered thinking like, “Gosh, it’s been three days, I haven’t talked to –”
Erin Linehan:Oh, that you haven’t talked.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, that I haven’t talked to –
Erin Linehan:I get it.
Anna Newell Jones:That I haven’t talked to someone outside my family. What were you going to say? Do I think it’s what?
Amy Moore:No, I said, do you think – that’s okay. Do you think it has anything to do with being a twin?
Anna Newell Jones:I don’t know.
Amy Moore:Was she more outgoing?
Anna Newell Jones:Not at all. We were all like really shy and I remember thinking that was such a horrible thing. I know, it’s so sad.
Amy Moore:I’m so sorry Anna.
Anna Newell Jones:No, things are good now. Things have evolved but looking back, I’m like, “Holy cow, that was anxiety.” Just like the paralyzation, like before speaking and stuff. I had that as a kid but I had no, we did not have the Internet. We could not look things up like we can now and it’s like, “Holy cow, I did not talk to people.” I just remember thinking like, “Oh man, extroverts have it made. They have all the friends and like, here, I have no friends,” and like, I mean, it lasted a really long time and I mean, I had switched high schools my junior year but before that, I ate lunch by myself in the bathroom, my gosh, we’re getting personal. Yeah, totally by myself.
Erin Linehan:Anna just dropped in.
Amy Moore:That makes my heart so sad.
Anna Newell Jones:No, but then, this is a cool transformation. No one found me except for the janitor was on to me one time.
Amy Moore:Where was your twin?
Anna Newell Jones:Oh, we weren’t really like — Then I went to a different high school and was able to totally reinvent myself and was able to find something to do with my anxiety and it was photography. So I was a yearbook photographer, it gave me like an in with meeting people. Then I ended up –
Erin Linehan:Homecoming queen.
Anna Newell Jones:Total transfer – yeah total transformation. So talk about like being able to, you know, the power of the mind and change and – yeah. I wasn’t supposed to get so sad.
Erin Linehan:Yeah, that’s what this is about, right?
Anna Newell Jones:I mean, that was my experience, it was like holy cow, I idolized extroverts.
Erin Linehan:But I think the world is set out for extroverts.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, that’s what I think too.
Erin Linehan:I think that you have to adapt to that or it’s really difficult.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah.
Erin Linehan:Especially growing up.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah. I remember finding –
Amy Moore:I think though, it was more so. I think it’s changing.
Erin Linehan:It is changing but when we were kids.
Amy Moore:A lot of change happening. Yes, definitely. I mean, I just think like with technology, that’s one of the – that’s the beauty of technology is that it’s given a lot of people who are stereotypically introverted, a real format to succeed.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, I really like social media because it allows me to like take a break and step back and then I can like, figure out what I want to say and it’s not like so on the spot of like, “Okay, you have to know exactly what witty thing to say right now.”
Erin Linehan:Yeah, you know, you’ve got a lot of witty things in there, Anna. Don’t sell yourself short boss.
Amy Moore:That’s true.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, I remember also like – did you guys ever read Ann Landers or Dear Abby?
Amy Moore:I mean, not like the – but yeah, I’m familiar.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, so I feel like she taught me how to be social in a lot of ways.
Amy Moore:Oh, interesting.
Erin Linehan:Just by reading this is how you do this?
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah. Then I found a pamphlet that I could – this is going to make me sound so incredibly old but this was before the Internet. Yeah, you could write a letter in and just be like, “Okay, I want this pamphlet.” Like she had, how to do all these different things and one of them was How to be Popular and I was like, “This is going to be it.”
Amy Moore:Wait, did you write in and ask for one?
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah.
Erin Linehan:It worked! Homecoming queen, it worked.
Amy Moore:That is amazing.
Anna Newell Jones:I got like $2, sent it in, got this pamphlet, read it every single day.
Erin Linehan:That is amazing. In the memoir, that goes in the memoir. Secret life of Anna.
Amy Moore:Do you still have it?
Anna Newell Jones:I’ve looked for it and I can’t find it.
Amy Moore:Oh man. I wonder if it’s on the Internet now?
Anna Newell Jones:I know, right? I should try to find it. It was like – seriously, Dear Abby taught me all the things.
Anna Newell Jones:She was like, “Oh my gosh, this is how I’m going to make friends, this is how to connect with people.” As a shy person with anxiety, it was like, “This is what I need, I need a key, just tell me how to do it.”
Erin Linehan:Did you know you had anxiety as a kid?
Anna Newell Jones:No. I know now as an adult.
Anna Newell Jones:But it was like, that freezing fear.
Erin Linehan:I’m curious how it shaped your friendships, both of your stories of kids. Your adult friendships.
Anna Newell Jones:Oh yeah, well, I’m medicated now and that helps a ton. It really does.
Amy Moore:Amen. Social anxiety is like –
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, last week I was like, “I think I should just taper down off of that,” and then I’m like last night, I was like, got mad at my husband for something and I’m like, “Oh dear God, I better get back on full dosage.” I was like, “Why am I so mad at him about this situation?” Okay, medicine re-activate.
Erin Linehan:Those spoon situations will get you.
Amy Moore:That is funny.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, he wants to put the spoons in the dishwasher like they’re spooning. I’m like, they can’t get clean that way.
Amy Moore:Oh in the dishwasher?
Erin Linehan:Touching or spaced.
Anna Newell Jones:They’re literally spooning.
Amy Moore:That would be hard to get the crud out from between them.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, they spoon but he’s like, “It makes it so much easier.” Anyway, yeah.
Erin Linehan:We almost went down that rabbit hole.
Amy Moore:Bring it back, here we go.
Anna Newell Jones:So what were you — you wanted to ask Amy about the — what’s the question?
Erin Linehan:How did your experience as a kid shape what your adult friendships are now? You said they were totally different?
Amy Moore:Oh, boy. Well, I think just getting to know myself more, being open and accepting it myself. Looking to others — looking less to others for approval, believe it or not. You know, all that stuff. I just – I have my preferences and I’m okay with that I think. Much more than I ever was. Also, I really value time by myself.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah.
Amy Moore:Which is completely that did not exist. I’m the middle of five kids growing up and so with all my siblings –
Anna Newell Jones:Wait, five and five?
Erin Linehan:How many do you have?
Anna Newell Jones:Four.
Erin Linehan:Chaotic families growing up, this is why we’re doing a podcast connection.
Amy Moore:Yeah, yes. We moved a lot as a kid and so, I think it was just – in some ways, it’s like I was always hustling for friends in a way or like, you know, just – it was good. I had a lot of great – I had a lot of good friends. My big thing, I had this phone list, of course, pre-cellphone, whatever.
Erin Linehan:We’re close to 40. I was just giving context, we’re all close to 40.
Amy Moore:Oh yeah. Over it.
Anna Newell Jones:Under.
Erin Linehan:August, barely.
Anna Newell Jones:I’m hanging onto it as long as I can.
Amy Moore:That’s right, under.
Anna Newell Jones:I’ve actually been really happy with getting older.
Amy Moore:Yeah, me too. This phone list, we had one of those – I don’t know if you remember the old original Apples that were like those little tiny computer screens, anybody remember those?
Erin Linehan: The big bubbles?
Amy Moore:No, before that, way before that. So it was just like the.
Amy Moore:No, gray. It’s like this high and that wide, it had this little thing and then you plug the keyboard in. Anyway. It had this crazy typeset, like a bubbly kind of letters.
Anna Newell Jones:Sounds fun.
Amy Moore:I don’t know why I’m giving so much detail about this.
Erin Linehan:That’s good, you’re good with the details.
Amy Moore:My goodness.
Erin Linehan:Paint the picture, Amy.
Amy Moore:Let me just tell you. I created my phone list. It was like – I don’t know, I think I got up to like eight pages. Two sides, not all typed because then I started handwriting in ink because I didn’t want to keep printing it and reprinting it. So like typed handwritten names and numbers.
Erin Linehan: Bobby Jean, Betty.
Amy Moore: That was like a real piece of value.
Anna Newell Jones:What about you Erin?
Erin Linehan:I think I had to figure out how to because I was so young, I just had to figure out how to get people to like me. So I think it’s shaped like, I’m been selective but I’ve kept – because that was so important, I’ve kept like friends from every section of life.
I don’t talk to Matt very often but like, when I went back to Pennsylvania in May, I saw them and then a couple of friends in high school, a couple of friends in college as the time goes on and I keep them around.
Amy Moore:What about Nuper? Where was your imaginary friend?
Erin Linehan:Nuper is always around, Amy.
Anna Newell Jones:I can’t believe we haven’t heard of Nuper.
Amy Moore:I know.
Erin Linehan:When I was doing online dating, I put like one interesting fact — okay can you put like one interesting fact about you and I was like, “Oh yeah, I had an imaginary friend.” People were like, “You’re really going to keep that on there?”
Erin Linehan:Yes, it’s hilarious, come on.
Amy Moore:And it has a great name. Nuper.
Anna Newell Jones:Repel or attract, it’s like, well, if a guy doesn’t like that, bye-bye. If you like it? Hello.
Erin Linehan:Wait till you see the whole package.
Anna Newell Jones:You think that’s awesome? Just wait.
Erin Linehan:Oh that’s good. Nuper, right?
Amy Moore:You know, one thing I do have to say, like my parents were so skilled and my mom to this day, she can get in front of a crowd and just speak. Her like ability to public speak and for them to entertain and to have, it’s really impressive, yeah.
Anna Newell Jones:And do you think you learned that by watching her?
Amy Moore:Oh for sure. Yeah, I learned a lot in that regard from them. Yeah definitely.
Anna Newell Jones:So one of the things that stand out to me about you Amy is when I very first met you and it was –
Erin Linehan:Tell me, Anna.
Anna Newell Jones:Okay.
Erin Linehan:Amy just perked up in her seat.
Anna Newell Jones:Tell me more!
Erin Linehan:This should be interesting.
Amy Moore:My palms are also sweating.
Anna Newell Jones:I think you are super great at first impressions.
Erin Linehan:Absolutely, I agree with that.
Anna Newell Jones:So one of the things that and maybe we had the same experience, Erin was Amy asked me so many questions about myself when we first met and it was like the best. I was like, “She really likes me. This is great!”
Amy Moore:I did really like you. I do really like you.
Anna Newell Jones:Awe, thanks. But it got me thinking as we were thinking as we were talking about this podcast and friendship and how that all works it’s people like people that like them and I don’t know if it is like a survival thing or like, “I am going to reject them before they reject me.” But I notice when I don’t think someone likes me I’m like, “I don’t like them that much anyway.”
Erin Linehan:Protect yourself.
Anna Newell Jones:Heck yeah, right? So Amy, I feel like you are super good at first impressions and it is so interesting because I thought so highly of you by you asking questions about me. So it’s just something that I really learned like, “Oh I’ve got to ask,” you know? It is like this little social skill of like Amy is so good at this.
Amy Moore:I mean it is interesting to be around people. I just had these girls’ weekends and it is amazing to be able – when someone asks you a question about your life like how simple that sounds. But really how much that means too to building connection because if someone just goes along and doesn’t really ask much about you, like how do you form connections?
Erin Linehan:Well, because yeah being present is a super power, yeah.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah for sure.
Erin Linehan:When people ask me, yeah but –
Amy Moore:But I feel like sometimes people talk about being present and it is not as explicit as like just ask someone what is their day look like.
Erin Linehan:Well again it should be about they care about it much or you are just going to ask them, “Oh how are you?” And if you stop and wait they’re like, “Uh.”
Anna Newell Jones:I think that is such a cliché thing to ask like, “How are you.” Everyone just says “Fine.” It is like you almost have to ask something else just to get them off guard or something.
Erin Linehan:My grandpa, he lived until 103 and he’s the only one. Oh shoot, and so he would always say though anytime we’d go in a public place he would always say or the waiter would be like, “Oh hi sir, how are you?” And he would be like, “I am terrible,” and the guy would be like, “Oh, okay.” And then he’s like, “Well, that’s the only way you’d listen.” He’d do that all the time. Oh grandpa.
Amy Moore:I think the other thing is like how many people actually ask a second question. So you ask someone “How are you?” And no matter what their reaction, okay you move on.
But when you are really engaged with someone or present or whatever you want to say, to ask that second follow up like, “Oh, what do you do for work?” “Well, I am an author.” “Oh tell me about your book.” Like how many people are just like, “Oh you are an author, okay.” You then make up their mind about what that means and don’t ask a second follow up question.
Erin Linehan:Or they are thinking about their response to what you are saying and that makes me crazy.
Amy Moore:Yeah, well it is just impossible to have any kind of connection and then you feel like you wasted your time, or at least I do.
Erin Linehan:Because Amy is very, very time efficient. What was the phrase you said the other day?
Amy Moore: Who knows?
Erin Linehan:This is great, this will let you know, Amy’s [inaudible] in this little evaluation.
Amy Moore:Yeah, so I had a letter of recommendation to my undergraduate college in one of my favorite teachers in high school. He wrote a letter of recommendation for me and in it he wrote, “Amy is not one who gathers fools kindly.”
Erin Linehan:It’s true, she is not.
Amy Moore:And I thought, “Oh man,” but then I was like, “Yeah.”
Erin Linehan: You’re like, “Well actually that’s fine.”
Amy Moore:I still don’t know what to do with that. But there it is.
Erin Linehan:Yeah it is very true.
Anna Newell Jones: You take it, accept it.
Amy Moore:Right, exactly. Find people who will accept me. So why are we doing this podcast?
Erin Linehan:Well who do we want to reach out to? Like what is our hope for that? I think we should probably talk about that.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah.
Amy Moore: Take it away Erin.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah.
Erin Linehan:So I mentioned this to one of my friends and she works full time, she has two small kids and I was telling her what we were planning on doing and she was like, “Oh I need that.” Because she doesn’t have a lot of time in her life to hang out with people but she also wants to feel really connected and we used to talk several times a week and then she had kids and then that stopped and so I think that’s who we are hoping to, not necessarily to have kids or not but people that are busy and in transit and maybe are needing that in their life.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, anyone who has ever felt alone ever.
Erin Linehan:Everyone in the world.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, so if you are a person who has ever felt alone ever this is for you.
Erin Linehan:You can email at Amy, just kidding. I am just kidding.
Anna Newell Jones:Okay so one other thing that we totally forgot to talk about is the workshop Amy did for us about Dandapani and how we all had connection show up as one of our top three values.
Erin Linehan:Yeah, Amy?
Amy Moore:This is a shout out to Barre3and Sadie Lincoln because I went to this workshop. I was a member at our local Barre3 Studio, they held a workshop in Oregon. Not our particular studio but Barre3 as a whole and Sadie Lincoln who founded Barre3 was there and she has invited Dandapani.
Erin Linehan:Who is Dandapani?
Amy Moore:Dandapani is a Hindu priest and he goes around the world speaking to basically like achievers I would say. I mean, he works a lot with business executives, C-suite people, just kidding, inside joke. But anyway he does a lot of them and so there was a lot of education around the mind and –
Anna Newell Jones:And so he’s all about mindfulness and technology, is that right?
Amy Moore:Not technology.
Amy Moore:Yeah the mind and awareness and then, you know, really living a life with intention and I highly recommend if you ever had an opportunity, it was awesome and anyway, Sadie had a core values lesson or she ran a workshop alongside — it was kind of like a session I would say, on core values and so we did this exercise where we had probably how many words do you think we –
Erin Linehan:A ton. Amy gave us our own packets and laminated all of them that we are very appreciative of.
Anna Newell Jones:Yes. So after Amy ended up doing the same workshop for us and so there were like 50 words.
Amy Moore:Basically there were 50 words, they were all different values and all those words could mean different things to different people but interestingly enough, after you go through this whole exercise you end up with your five, you limit to five top core values and all of three of us –
Anna Newell Jones:Well with the goal, if you don’t mind me saying it, with the goal of once you have these core values then you can structure your life based around those. Yeah, so then we all said our own core values out loud.
Amy Moore:Yeah, so we shared those, which was an empowering — I don’t know I think that we did it – our groups were a little bit bigger in the session than what the three of us did but anyway, we all said it out loud and we all had connection. I think connection was my second one.
So with that we thought, “Oh my goodness, it is important.”
Anna Newell Jones:I think we realized that after. I think we realized it was connection after we realized we wanted to do this podcast. We were talking about this podcast idea and then it was like, “Oh my gosh, wait a second, we all had connection as a core value. This is crazy.”
Amy Moore:Right because I think the way it happened it was like you had been talking to someone or somehow our 6AM coffees came up and you kept hearing like, “Oh I wish I had that, I wish I had that,” and then we were talking like, “Oh how could we, I don’t know, share this?”
Erin Linehan:Because all of us listen to a lot of podcasts, yeah. Wait, you were going to say something.
Amy Moore:I have no idea what I was going –
Erin Linehan:I was hanging on my seat. That’s why Amy started laughing and I was waiting for this big drop and then nothing.
Anna Newell Jones:So I was just talking to people about the morning coffee and stuff and then they were just like, “Oh my gosh I really want – I wish I could be there.”
Amy Moore:Yes, so that is an interesting tidbit that I got us going in the direction of a podcast around connection.
Erin Linehan:But you were talking about in terms of the people coming like when we were talking about coffee and that you could want to hang out with these people and not want to hang out with this people. So what were you saying about that last we talked about last Monday?
Amy Moore:I think that one thing – I think I mentioned this briefly about having a really wide net and having as many friends and hanging out the all the time and all this stuff as a kid and then as I have gotten older it is like my net is very narrow and deep and I think that for me connection — I am picky. I am a picky person and definitely a little guarded at times and so I think this is what you are talking about but maybe not.
But so there is a lot of people who I really like in this world and they’re great but I don’t necessarily want to have 6AM coffee with them. And I think that’s okay and I think that, you know, or at least okay or not that is how I am. So is that what you were getting at?
Erin Linehan:Yeah because I think societally there is like, “This is how it should be,” so much of the time and so I wonder and even now I am happy that I have people – how I am doing friends, you know? But when you were talking about those people that have the same 20 people that they hang out with and then they have kids and then they hang out and this is like their crew and I don’t have that and I don’t know that I ever had that.
I’ve always had one or two people that are my people and then we go do other things and so my net was wide but not with very close people and so I wonder societally what are those because I still feel like I am doing that wrong. But in the inside I feel good, right? But I still feel like – so what are the things that you all see at that how it is supposed to be? Does that make sense?
Erin Linehan:I don’t know if you ever thought about that but I am curious about how you feel about that.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, I mean that makes me think about the different levels of friendship and just a couple of weeks ago, we got together for Amy’s birthday party and it was like, “Oh gosh we never really see each other outside of coffee.” And it was like, “This is really interesting.”
Erin Linehan:We’re friends in real life.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah.
Amy Moore:This is real, people.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah and it really is like I guess I definitely had that unspoken expectation of like friendships mean you hang out a lot and you call each other and you text and you –
Erin Linehan:You only text Anna, that is what you do.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah. Yes please, my voicemail says “please text me”. But yeah it’s like, “Oh my gosh, we have to be hanging out. We have to be doing all of these things. We have to have inside jokes.” Like all of these different levels of like hanging out-ness and it –
Erin Linehan:Like, “Friendship means this thing.”
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah, it is like, “Oh we have to get together and watch a movie together. We have to talk about this. We have to do this and this.”
Amy Moore:We have all of these pictures together and you post it on social media.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah and it’s like I think that we found from – at least from what I found from our coffee meeting friendship is that it can look totally different and it can work on so many different levels of like, “This is what I have time for, this is what I want and this is what’s serving me, this is reciprocal and rewarding and let us leave it like that. We don’t have to – of course I would love to hang out with you more but we don’t have to for it to like make our friendship better.
Erin Linehan:To be my friend, yeah.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah and so changing that definition that we have of the should’s within our own heads of like —
Erin Linehan:There’s so many of them.
Anna Newell Jones: Yeah and it’s like I didn’t even realize there were so many things like expectations like I had around friendship until we start talking about this.
Amy Moore:I think another thing that is super interesting today with social media and technology and whatever, the phone used to be – I mean, that was a huge part. Growing up, I would talk on the phone all the time.
Erin Linehan:Hide it from your siblings.
Amy Moore:Yes, hours. Totally.
Erin Linehan:That’s right. Take the cord out of the wall like my sister and I used to do with each other.
Amy Moore:You can’t use it. And then I remember when we got a second line that was like, “What!”
Anna Newell Jones: Call waiting.
Erin Linehan:There was one phone in my house that we had upstairs and you could hear the whole conversation. So I would never — because I was a little sister. I don’t even think I have ever told them this and I would just listen, put my ears to the phone so I would listen to all of their things. Nuper and I used to do that, right?
Amy Moore:It was all Nuper.
Erin Linehan:It’s Nuper’s idea, leading me astray.
Anna Newell Jones:That’s right.
Amy Moore:But I do think that today it’s like there’s no phone, you don’t have that same phone culture. Right now it is text and then there’s this whole thing of like thinking I guess like this is my bias against social media. But social media is supposed to take this place of type of connection but it doesn’t.
There is definitely a lack of connection if that is the only thing you are relying on to connect you to people in the world and I think that Anna is pulling out of a piece of paper an article here all highlighted.
Erin Linehan:Like a ninja.
Amy Moore:Trying to distract me, what is about to happen.
Anna Newell Jones:So can I tell you something that I found online about connection? So this is an article by Brianna Wiest from the Medium, If Connection is a Core Human Need But we are Terrible At It, that is the title of the article and it says – there is a point to this. But she says, “Authenticity is required for connection. The Internet and social media do not disconnect us because we are glued to our phones at the dinner table but because they increase our ability to be inauthentic.”
Erin Linehan:Interesting, say that again.
Anna Newell Jones:Okay, “Authenticity is required for connection. The Internet and social media do not disconnect us because we are glued to our phones at the dinner table but because they increase our ability to be inauthentic.” So they allow us to —
Erin Linehan: You can be whoever you want.
Anna Newell Jones: Yeah, “They allow us to glow, edit and filter and post a highlight reel. We can construct a façade of our lives that may or may not be an honest reflection of reality. In this we breach connection. So people who have authentic connections over social media report having a largely positive view and experience of it. So people who use —
Amy Moore: Oh, that’s so interesting.
Anna Newell Jones: Yeah, “People it as a genuine way to stay in touch with others don’t report the same levels of anxiety and depression associated with its use and the reason people try to fake their way into being liked is they confuse attention for connection and they are not the same thing.”
Erin Linehan:I totally agree.
Amy Moore:Wow that is so interesting. So you have to have to – so you’ve got to watch your motivation behind using social media.
Anna Newell Jones:As like your true authentic self and I’ve totally found this to be my experience with social media and partly why I enjoy it.
Amy Moore: Yeah, that’s super interesting.
Anna Newell Jones: Yeah so I just have to bring that up as far as like the social media topic and why we feel disconnected and stuck.
Amy Moore:Well, I think I might be using it in the wrong way then.
Erin Linehan:Searching for the likes, Amy.
Anna Newell Jones:Well it is really interesting. So whenever I ask questions, I did ask that question on my Facebook profile about friendship and things like that and when you ask people questions and actually want to know the answer it makes it so much more fun and then they’re like, “Oh wow,” and then it is like, “Okay, let me ask this follow up question of like,” you know and so it just makes it feel more true and I feel like I haven’t been able – I wouldn’t be able to be authentic on social media if I wasn’t as in tuned with who I am personally and that is just the result of working on myself and you both have done a ton of work on yourselves personally as well and so I think there is just a lot of power in knowing who you are and then going into relationships and connecting with people and to yourself.
Amy Moore:And being real on social media.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah.
Erin Linehan:I don’t post on there very much, but when I was talking that marketing class and I had to post that why video, which was super long ago and I had to sum up why I am doing — I am a therapist and so why I am doing the work in the people that I work with and so I was like, “Well, I am just going to post this because it is generally who I am on the site.” And I got so much feedback and I wasn’t scared to do it and I was like, “Well, if someone doesn’t like it, I don’t really care.”
But it was really interesting because normally lots of people viewed that and I was like, it just was. But yeah, I didn’t care either or because I was just doing it because that is who I am and I think it’s like when you can come from that grounded place and that you just put things out there because it feels good to you, I think it is very different than if you’re like, “I need someone, I am going to wear this. I am going to push my hair aside and then I am going to wear this new whatever and have people want to like me for that.” I think that is when it’s empty or hard.
Erin Linehan:Well, it is a good place to wrap it up.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah I think so. So let’s see, do we want to go ahead with our –
Erin Linehan:Let’s give you a to-do list here. Here’s the point for the to-do.
Amy Moore:Well, I have thought of a couple of takeaways that I’m thinking about.
Anna Newell Jones: So what it your biggest takeaway from what we have talked about with friends?
Amy Moore:Well I would say I mean –
Anna Newell Jones:Like, do you have a tip as someone who is so good with first impressions Amy?
Amy Moore:Oh geez… honestly the questioning –
Anna Newell Jones:Well, you really are.
Amy Moore:It really is like questioning like authentic interest like, “Oh my gosh, another human, who are you?” You know? Like, “What are you about?” I mean, I find it so interesting how quick — and I will speak for myself but how quick people am I to judge and come up with this ideas who I think people are.
But then you uncover — you ask three questions and you’re like, “Oh you are way more interesting than I thought you might be.” Or l mean, like my idea and so yeah, I was thinking takeaways is just at a third question. I get into conversations, ask at least three open ended questions. You know like, “Tell me more about what you just told me,” or whatever.
Erin Linehan:I think that is a challenge for the week.
Anna Newell Jones:That is so good. What about you Erin? What is your takeaway or what is your big tip on connection and friendship as a therapist?
Erin Linehan:My big tip as a therapist? Oh my gosh!
Anna Newell Jones:No pressure.
Amy Moore:We don’t have to pay you for this. This is free.
Anna Newell Jones:This is totally free. You’re all, “You can Venmo me at…”
Erin Linehan:Oh let me think, the biggest tip I have.
Amy Moore:She’s on the spot Anna, you might have to go.
Anna Newell Jones:Sorry, you want me to go?
Erin Linehan:We talked about this.
Anna Newell Jones:Sorry Erin, sorry. We’ll work on this. Okay, so I think my biggest takeaway is eye contact and trying to be present and okay, I guess I have a couple of takeaways but the whole be curious think, medicine for social anxiety. Zoloft, what’s up? Erin?
Erin Linehan:She is not getting paid for that.
Anna Newell Jones:No but seriously, it has helped me a ton with that. Oh and then making it easy for you to connect. So I find myself at the coffee shop all the time. I work out there and it is like I have another friend and she’s going through a hard time and it is like, “Hey, you want to get coffee this week?” I am there and it makes it easy if you have a place to meet at.
You make it easy on yourself to meet up with people and just being curious and just listening. I don’t know, the social anxiety thing it is so easy for me to get wrapped up in my own head and in my own thoughts. So if I make it about them and how can I show up for them.
Erin Linehan:Exactly what I was going to say.
Anna Newell Jones:Okay, that makes it way easier.
Erin Linehan:The connection is not about you. The connection is about between the two people.
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah and it is like that thing why the photography worked for me in high school with connecting with people is because it gave me something to do outside of myself, you know?
Erin Linehan:Like the dishes at family holidays.
Amy Moore:Oh yeah, I love those.
Erin Linehan:Yes, every time.
Amy Moore:I will do them, “Oh you are so helpful.” “I know I just don’t want to talk to you.”
Erin Linehan:Right, I think for me is that you can’t there is no wrong way to do friendship and if this thing is how you are doing friendship then that is what works for you now but don’t make yourself wrong about it. Just own it completely, that is my takeaway.
Anna Newell Jones:That is really good. So do we have something we want to work on for this week?
Erin Linehan:Yeah, you go ahead.
Amy Moore:Yeah three questions, three open-ended questions, I dare you.
Erin Linehan:I dare you. It’s not a to-do.
Anna Newell Jones:Mine is going to be continuing to keep my screen time down and to put the phone away when I am with other people and not Shazam in the middle of a conversation like I did with —
Erin Linehan:It is great when you are at a coffee shop and you are talking about connection and then a really good song comes on the radio and your friend named Anna starts to Shazam and says, “I need to look at this right now.”
Anna Newell Jones:I was like “Erin, I promise I am still listening. Keep talking.”
Erin Linehan:Actually, you are not but how’s that song, Anna? Really great? Okay.
Anna Newell Jones:I felt like the biggest jerk ever. It was so bad. That was so bad and the Shazam thing didn’t even work. I was like, “Oh, karma.” So lesson learned, I felt bad about that all weekend. I am so sorry Erin.
Erin Linehan:Good because I was judging you so. Just kidding. So good, I think I am going to do the questions.
Anna Newell Jones:Oh good that’s good. Awesome. Well, thank you all for joining us.
Amy Moore:Hey, thank you!
Erin Linehan:Hey yeah! The first one!
Amy Moore:Less alone, more together!
Erin Linehan:I wish you could see that dance Amy just did. Someday. Yeah, someday.
Anna Newell Jones:All right, well thank you all so much and we will talk with you next week.
Amy Moore:Oh and we might have an email.
Erin Linehan:Amy at… no?
Anna Newell Jones:Yeah maybe by then we will have an email.
Erin Linehan:Yeah, we will. I will do it. I will task myself. That’s my challenge of the week.
Amy Moore:I like it.
Anna Newell Jones:Thank you. All right.
Amy Moore:Yeah, growing our connection.
Erin Linehan:Growing our connection.
Amy Moore:All right, cool. Well bye.
Anna Newell Jones:Bye.
[END OF EPISODE]
[OUTRO MUSIC BEGINS]
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